Venetian Masks

Going through the motions

I'm in such a daze right now. It seems like everything is too real, and yet not real enough. I'm trying to go on with my life, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
Tim and I broke up on the 1st. I don't remember right now if I posted about it, but a few weeks early I had confronted him about the way he was treating me, and I told him I thought the reason for his behavior was that he wasn't ACTUALLY in love with me; he wanted to be, he thought he should be, but he wasn't. Because really, who treats someone they love as though they're no more important than everyone else?? ....sometimes I really HATE being right. He told me he'd thought about it, and that yeah, that was the problem. He wasn't sure if he was really in love with me. Then again, he also said he wasn't sure that I was totally right. I told him I'd never wanted to be wrong so badly in my entire life. This is so hard to write about, even 2 weeks later. I'm sitting here typing and my hands are shaking and my eyes are welling up.
We didn't talk for about four days. We broke up on a Saturday; that following Wednesday was my night at Fantasmic!. It was the first time I'd been there in a year, and before all of this went down Tim had said that he would come watch. Well, I got done and walked out into the house....and no one was there. I didn't see Luke either, though he'd said he would come too. Luke texted me a little later; he'd forgotten his phone, so he raced home to get it so he could text me. He didn't stay because he didn't know where to meet me. I was glad Luke came....and even though Tim and I aren't together, I had been hoping that he would be there. Couple hours later, I'm on Facebook and get a message from Tim, saying "ps. I liked the monkeys tonight." He came. He didn't stay, but he came. I don't understand; how can you not be in love with me when you do something like that just because you know it meant so much to me?? I'm so....I don't even know.
Tim and I worked together on Friday at Castle Show. We didn't really talk a whole lot, and it broke my heart. He did give me a rather fierce hug while I was talking to one of the other guys up there. I asked him to walk out with me; I'd gotten all the stuff together that he'd left at my house, and I wanted to give it back to him. Okay, I DIDN'T want to give it back to him, but I thought I should. We walked out together, I gave him the bag of stuff, we talked for a few more minutes...and then we left. On my way home, I texted him. I said that the only thing I wanted was to be was with him. He said he wanted the same thing. I know it wasn't a good idea...but I went over to his house. BAD IDEA, I know. But I couldn't help it. I don't care if it's not good, I just want to be with him. Stayed for a few hours, then left. I know. It just made things more complicated. I'm so confused. He wants to be with me...but he's not sure he wants to be with me?? I know we're still attracted to each other. I know he cares about me; there was never any doubt about that. I just....what do I do? I can't keep waiting for him to make up his mind forever. I refuse to just keep sleeping with him in the hopes that that will help him decide; that won't do anything but delay any kind of resolution. All I know, is that when I think about him, I smile. When I think about NOT being with him, I cry. When I see him, I want to hold him so tightly, and never let him go. I want to make him happy, however I can. I just want him back.
So there's all this going on in my head and my heart, and at the same time I'm going through rehearsals for Star Wars Weekends. My character is in just about everything possible this year, and that means rehearsals every day, including overnights. Yesterday I worked 22 hours in a 26 hour period. We had a four hour break in between. And 12 of those hours were in full costume and makeup. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed out. I'm mentally fried, and my heart is broken. What a great place to be.
  • Current Mood
    numb numb
Wesley As You Wish

Agony and Ashes

This was one of the worst days in a long time. Woke up early so I could go in for my eye appointment. Got there at 8, first person in so it didn't take too long--which is good, because I drove all that way only for my doctor to tell me that, since these are special effects contacts and therefore unusual, my prescription for them is going to be different than my regular contacts. OH. You couldn't have told me that over the phone? I had to drive an hour out of my way and wake up 4 hours early? Great. At least it wasn't a total waste; I asked about Lasik surgery, and he told me he would send my info to the center and they would get in touch with me. However, I didn't expect them to call me less than 2 hours later! Set up a consultation with them on Thursday, but I can't wear my contacts until then. Soooo.....I'm gonna be blind for the next couple days. And now I have to get up early AGAIN on my day off to go in. I'm hoping when they dilate my eyes it won't be too bad; I'm supposed to play catch with Luke that afternoon. (Who is, by the way, giving me the space I asked for.) Wasn't sleepy when I got home so I put away a load of laundry and read my book before I got in the shower to go to work. Hung out with Wendy today in Day Parade for the first time since I lost my voice and Grant left. It was...uncomfortable, to say the least. Not only couldn't I see, but I'm so used to hanging out with Alice that it was a struggle to remember the differences. More stressful than I anticipated, and it sucked not being able to see all the kids' faces. PM assignment after that, which basically meant I got to sit on my butt and read my book and get paid for it. I don't know Hoedown yet, which is the shift in between parade and Spectro, so they created this non-shift to fill our hours, since it's not fair to some people to get less pay for the same shifts as those who already know Hoedown. Trust me, I didn't mind in the least. Tim actually texted me while I was reading. He was supposed to have been in parade and Hoedown with me, but he called late to go play paintball with some of his buddies. I responded, but not in my usual manner; none of my responses were open-ended, I didn't ask him any questions, and when he professed worry over why I wasn't wearing my contacts, and said that he always worried about me, I replied, "If you say so..." and effectively ended the conversation. This is so hard. All I want to do is talk to him, find out how his day was, spend time with him, hug him, kiss him. I wanted him to know what it felt like when he ignored me, what it would feel like if I WASN'T a part of his life, but I don't know how much of this I can take. I feel like I'm being so cruel, and it's killing me too. Saw him in Cosmo when he got here for Spectro; he hugged me, and when I didn't respond enthusiastically, he grabbed my arms and put them around his waist and my head against his chest. It was all I could do not to bury my face against him and cry. I can't take much more of this. Rode down to the Parade Center by myself and just read my book. When Tim got there, he lay down next to me, and proceeded to fall asleep. Woke up about 10 minutes later, scooted closer to me, and fell asleep again. It broke my heart. When it was time to get ready, I went into Costuming to dress, but there my bodice didn't have the collar attached. I was balancing there on one leg, snapping it on, and Tim came over (his costume is next to mine) and put his arm around my waist to steady me. I told him I was fine. He said he was just making sure I didn't fall over--like this! and tugged on me. I warned him that if he pulled me over he was sure to get a sharp elbow in the crotch. (That's where it was pointing, just saying.) He said, it was unlikely...except for at the moment, it was a distinct possibility since I was mad. I just smiled at him, and resumed getting dressed. He also tried to help me zip my bodice, which I didn't want him to do. I commented on his solicitousness and observed that he only seemed to be helpful when I didn't want him to. Finished getting dressed and walked down. It was kind of scary, walking in the dark by myself and not being able to see. NO likey. Was all by myself on my float because my bunny got pulled. Right before parade started I hear Tim yell, "Hey!" I look over and ask, "Are you talking to me?" He says, "Yeah, I'm talking to you!" I told him, "I can't see you, remember?" He said, "Oh yeah. Well, I'm sticking my tongue out at you. And I'll look for you on the turns." I stuck my tongue out at him back and wanted to cry again. Looking on the turns is a game we always play when we're on the same float. When we go around the turns, I can see into his carriage and I always try to get his attention, but half the time he forgets or isn't looking. It killed me that he would say that without me prompting him and especially on the night when I couldn't see him at all. Parade was awful. I was so stressed out I was trying not to cry on parade route. The combination of being upset, and not being able to see as well as being by myself and trying to play to BOTH sides of parade when people were yelling at me was almost too much. It was all I could do to keep smiling and look like I was having fun. Horrible. Walked back to the tunnels, and Tim caught up with me towards the end. Again, it was such a struggle not to touch him, talk to him. I hate this. Deprepped in Cosmo, then changed and clocked out. Got in line for the bus with Aaron, who happened to be right in front of Tim, so when we got on the bus Tim sat down right next to me. He didn't say anything, just closed his eyes, though a couple times it seemed like he was leaning into me a little more than the motion of the bus could account for. I talked to Aaron, and then when I got off the bus I didn't even look back. I was hoping that Tim would follow me, try to talk to me now that we were away from other people. He didn't. I got to my car, alone, and began to pull out. When I looked over my shoulder, I saw Tim's car go by. Don't ask me how I knew it was his car and not someone else's, I just did. I couldn't hold back the tears any more. This had been a horrible, stressful, emotional day, and I just couldn't take it any more. Got home, washed my face, and grabbed a beer. Got on Facebook right before I took off my makeup and posted, "Every moment that passes by I die a little more inside....why can't you see that you're killing me?" I was hoping that he would see it. Not five minutes later, he changes his status too: "Today was amazing, adrenaline filled, heart pumping amazingness action filled with nahhhhh gettting you know what... tonight however.. kind of heartbreaking..." I KNOW it was about me, I KNOW it was. And he still didn't text me. All night. Watched an episode of the Clone Wars and cried myself to sleep. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I wanted him to understand how I felt when he didn't care about me, but at least he was never cruel. I don't even know that I'm doing the right thing anymore. This is KILLING me. I feel like my heart has turned to ashes, and my stomach has dropped to my feet. I told myself I would wait until he wanted to talk to me, but how long is that going to take?? We're both at Castle Show on Friday and we were supposed to go see Oceans afterwards. How am I going to be aloof and cool towards him when I have to be with him all day?? When all I want is to curl up next to him and hold him tight?? Why does this have to hurt so much???
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

...and now I'm high maintenance. Great.

Early day at the Teacups. Was surprisingly awake considering a)I only got about 5 hours of sleep; and b)there was a massive thunderstorm last night that knocked out the power. Luckily I was awake enough when it happened to reset my alarm. Otherwise I'd have been screwed. Sets were pretty good. All cute kids on the Teacups and only a couple of extremely rude guests pushing their children up cutting the line. Alice sincerely yelled at them about their appalling manners. Had to talk to Bay Hill Contacts today. They screwed up my prescription for my Star Wars contacts and now I have to go in tomorrow at 8am for another appointment. Which really pisses me off, because I'm going to have to get up early on the first day I could have slept in to fix someone else's mistake. NOT amused.

Was really pissed off at Tim today. It appears that last night he can sit at his computer and poke me on Facebook for 30 minutes but he can't pick up his phone which is right next to him and text me. He'd texted me earlier yesterday and then just stopped talking to me in the middle of the conversation. Replied twice when I tried texting him again, then nothing, not even a good night text. A stupid thing to be mad about, but it put me over the edge. I'm sick of it. This happens every time. We hang out, everything is wonderful, he behaves exactly the way I know he's capable of: kind, loving, attentive, considerate....and then the next day he virtually ignores me. And the next. And the next. I can't deal with it any more. Either I get the person I KNOW is in there, the person that you only show me when we're alone and you don't care what people think...or you just don't care. So, I was extremely rude and inconsiderate. I was curt with him; when he asked what was wrong, I told him I was mad at him; he could figure it out. He asked, why was I mad at him? I told him: I'm tired of being treated like a convenience in your life when you're a priority in mine. So until you can get your priorities figured out and where I fit into them...I don't care. He tried to protest that it wasn't true, that I wasn't a convenience, but I cut him off, then very coldly wished him a good parade. He stood there, sort of stunned for a moment, then left. was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I didn't talk to him before parade like I normally do. When he got on the bus next to me, I pointedly ignored him in favor of conversation with someone else. So he texted me. I responded twice--until he tried to claim that I wasn't ignoring him if I was texting him I leaned over and deliberately snapped my phone shut in his face and returned it to my bag. Didn't speak in Cosmo. Ignored his presence as if he were a stranger I just happened to be in the same area with. I had been planning on going to watch him in the Hoedown that afternoon since he was doing his favorite part, but when I suggested it yesterday that was the point he stopped responding. So when I got an offer to go to Sweet Tomatoes with some of the girls, I took it. Dinner was fun, just hanging out. Talked to Lauren a bit about Tim, but she was very clearly of the opinion that I should have dropped it a long time ago. Patient, but not very sympathetic. *sigh*

Headed back home, read for a while, then cleaned the bathroom with Sheilah. FINALLY. Lara came home and in the course of the conversation, called me high maintenance, a fact of which I had been blithely unaware of. I don't like that term, it sounds so negative. I prefer to think that I just have a stringent hygiene regimen. Posted a rather melodramatic status on Facebook, which Tim actually responded to. And he texted me good night too, though in a very uncertain manner. I'm opting to not respond to any texts unless and until he makes an apology or an offer to talk. I want him to realize that he can't keep treating me the way he has been and expect me to stick around. He may have made some improvements, yes, but it's not enough. He promised me that he wouldn't slide back into those old habits...but he has. Too much so to be ignored. I need more than this. I deserve more than this. I DEMAND more than this. And until he can give it to me...he gets nothing.
And it is breaking my heart.
  • Current Mood
    sad heartbroken
Bill Drama

Sometimes, a girl just needs some space...

Castle Show today. Was much better than yesterday for some reason; I felt much more awake and connected to my performance. Starting to get really hot, though there was a lovely breeze most of the day. Surprisingly with John again today, which is odd only in the fact that neither of us is usually there on Sundays. Good group of people today, though nothing terribly exciting happened. Luke stopped by to say hello as I was sitting in the cafeteria. He saw my status last night, which said, "Carlye just needs some space..." and figured he would give me some, even though he wasn't sure if that was what I meant. It was. But then again, I also saw HIS status, which said, "Sometimes it's just better to walk away" and I knew what THAT meant. I'm so frustrated with the whole situation. I know Luke would be better for me, but I'm in love with Tim. And I know Tim has the ability to be so wonderful for me. So what do I do? *sigh* There are no easy answers, but eventually, one will come to me. For right now, I will love as I wish, and ignore those who say I can't, or shouldn't. After work went with Chesney to see Carly's show, called "God Still Dreams of Eden." It was an interesting little musical; I liked the songs and the plot wasn't too far-fetched. Carly was great in it; I'd never heard her sing before and she's very good. She was even believable most of the time. Which is doubly impressive when you saw what she had to work with; horrid does not even begin to describe it: off-pitch, off accent, too many gestures, too many repetitive gestures...all in all, BAD. So kudos to her. Chesney dropped me off at my car and I came home; brewing Teacups again in the morning!
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    blank blank
Bill Trapped

It's beginning to get to me...

It's a day. Still exhausted even after a three hour nap and seven hours of sleep last night. Nothing exciting at the Castle today. Only four more days left till the end of the casting. Mary Ann and Bridget stopped by the 4:15 show and made me nervous, and Aleigh came and took a few pictures of Wendy too. And Fantastmic! is finally finally FINALLY on my schedule!! Along with my first official Star Wars Weekends rehearsal. Went to hang out with Tim after work. Were gonna go see a movie or something but fell asleep and then got distracted by video games both times we were aiming for. Oh, well. We'll go see it another time. Luke kept texting me while I was there. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with it, but he gets all upset when I'm texting Tim when I'm with him, so I finally just told him who I was with. He kinda got all huffy about it, and then said we should stop because he was just going to get frustrated and I was going to get upset. He was pretty right, granted, but I just don't know how much more of this I can handle. Whenever I'm with Tim, things are fine and I'm happy. Whenever I'm with Luke, things are fine, and I'm happy. But whenever one of them gets started on the other, then it's all hell breaking loose. Strangely, it's Luke that keeps telling me that I need to talk to Tim, get a straight answer from him, realize that it's not going anywhere and end it. Tim may not like the fact that I'm hanging out with Luke, but he doesn't really say much about it. I know, I know, Tim's not treating me the way I deserve to be treated; I get that, really I do. But Luke telling me over and over isn't going to change anything until I'm ready to change it, and it's hurting his cause. Don't assume that you're going to be next in line. I like you, yes, but that is not a guarantee. *sigh* Why are boys so difficult? Trying to keep it all together, hang out with Luke, get a straight answer out of Tim...ayah. My head hurts. Time to go to sleep; Castle Show again tomorrow!!
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated
Sleeping Beauty Couple

Deep thots. I haz dem.

What a day. Teacups/Day parade today. Thought I'd gotten enough sleep last night, but was so exhausted I was passing out on the train. Not good. Dozed before my first set, then went out, rode the Teacups with a little boy named Connor, took a picture with him...then went back in. Hooray rain! Next set was downed too, so I passed out in my chair. Didn't have to go back out until two hours later. Nice. Cute kids for sets, but no one really spectacular. Parade was nice; the managers actually made a good call and we did our Rainy Day Cavalcade--pull out the big old fashioned cars and rain slickers and have a party of it. I like it, because it's fast and fun and I don't have to do anything but sit and wave. It's cute. Came home, took a nap, then went to Siobhan's memorial service. It was sad and funny and heartwarming. Strange, though, how it takes something like the loss of a friend to remind us all of how we SHOULD treat each other instead of the way we DO treat each other. Everyone should try to be kinder, more forgiving, more understanding, more loving, more....MORE. We shouldn't have to wait to lose someone dear to us to make us remember. Siobhan, you will be so sorely missed. When you read a good new book wherever you are, you better let me know. And don't forget your flag. I love you, from one evil little fairy to another.
Time for bed. Back at the Teacups again tomorrow. Why to Teacups have to brew so damned early in the morning???
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful
Bill Trapped

BAD monkey!!

I know. I know. I've been very very lax about my posts. But in my defense, I was very sick and then I went out of town and didn't have access to a computer. Of course, after I got back I just got a little lazy. But I'm gonna pick back up again and try to fill in the gaps as best I can without notes. However, today I am exhausted so here's the notes again:
NO SLEEP!!! (Own damn fault.) Crazy Teacups and no, I will NOT be in your commercial. Stripes in parade. Thumbelina--don't judge! Tim and War. Good news about F!. But really? SO HAPPY.
Bambi Thumper Oh GOD

Didn't we JUST see you?!?!

Too tired. Notes: Sinuses. G. Fla. Mary Poppins. Sarah and her birthday cupcake. Insanity at the tea party. Voluntary pull. Supergreeter!! Jed Allen and Olivia. "I dyed my hair with Kool-Aid!" Drunk texting. Turnaround tomorrow.
Food Log:
1 energy drink
1 oats 'n' honey granola bar
1 banana
16oz mocha
2 slices cheese pizza
32oz water
handful pumpkin seeds
1 banana nut muffin
1 rice ball