Golden Bear (eithne_star) wrote,
Golden Bear

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Agony and Ashes

This was one of the worst days in a long time. Woke up early so I could go in for my eye appointment. Got there at 8, first person in so it didn't take too long--which is good, because I drove all that way only for my doctor to tell me that, since these are special effects contacts and therefore unusual, my prescription for them is going to be different than my regular contacts. OH. You couldn't have told me that over the phone? I had to drive an hour out of my way and wake up 4 hours early? Great. At least it wasn't a total waste; I asked about Lasik surgery, and he told me he would send my info to the center and they would get in touch with me. However, I didn't expect them to call me less than 2 hours later! Set up a consultation with them on Thursday, but I can't wear my contacts until then. Soooo.....I'm gonna be blind for the next couple days. And now I have to get up early AGAIN on my day off to go in. I'm hoping when they dilate my eyes it won't be too bad; I'm supposed to play catch with Luke that afternoon. (Who is, by the way, giving me the space I asked for.) Wasn't sleepy when I got home so I put away a load of laundry and read my book before I got in the shower to go to work. Hung out with Wendy today in Day Parade for the first time since I lost my voice and Grant left. It was...uncomfortable, to say the least. Not only couldn't I see, but I'm so used to hanging out with Alice that it was a struggle to remember the differences. More stressful than I anticipated, and it sucked not being able to see all the kids' faces. PM assignment after that, which basically meant I got to sit on my butt and read my book and get paid for it. I don't know Hoedown yet, which is the shift in between parade and Spectro, so they created this non-shift to fill our hours, since it's not fair to some people to get less pay for the same shifts as those who already know Hoedown. Trust me, I didn't mind in the least. Tim actually texted me while I was reading. He was supposed to have been in parade and Hoedown with me, but he called late to go play paintball with some of his buddies. I responded, but not in my usual manner; none of my responses were open-ended, I didn't ask him any questions, and when he professed worry over why I wasn't wearing my contacts, and said that he always worried about me, I replied, "If you say so..." and effectively ended the conversation. This is so hard. All I want to do is talk to him, find out how his day was, spend time with him, hug him, kiss him. I wanted him to know what it felt like when he ignored me, what it would feel like if I WASN'T a part of his life, but I don't know how much of this I can take. I feel like I'm being so cruel, and it's killing me too. Saw him in Cosmo when he got here for Spectro; he hugged me, and when I didn't respond enthusiastically, he grabbed my arms and put them around his waist and my head against his chest. It was all I could do not to bury my face against him and cry. I can't take much more of this. Rode down to the Parade Center by myself and just read my book. When Tim got there, he lay down next to me, and proceeded to fall asleep. Woke up about 10 minutes later, scooted closer to me, and fell asleep again. It broke my heart. When it was time to get ready, I went into Costuming to dress, but there my bodice didn't have the collar attached. I was balancing there on one leg, snapping it on, and Tim came over (his costume is next to mine) and put his arm around my waist to steady me. I told him I was fine. He said he was just making sure I didn't fall over--like this! and tugged on me. I warned him that if he pulled me over he was sure to get a sharp elbow in the crotch. (That's where it was pointing, just saying.) He said, it was unlikely...except for at the moment, it was a distinct possibility since I was mad. I just smiled at him, and resumed getting dressed. He also tried to help me zip my bodice, which I didn't want him to do. I commented on his solicitousness and observed that he only seemed to be helpful when I didn't want him to. Finished getting dressed and walked down. It was kind of scary, walking in the dark by myself and not being able to see. NO likey. Was all by myself on my float because my bunny got pulled. Right before parade started I hear Tim yell, "Hey!" I look over and ask, "Are you talking to me?" He says, "Yeah, I'm talking to you!" I told him, "I can't see you, remember?" He said, "Oh yeah. Well, I'm sticking my tongue out at you. And I'll look for you on the turns." I stuck my tongue out at him back and wanted to cry again. Looking on the turns is a game we always play when we're on the same float. When we go around the turns, I can see into his carriage and I always try to get his attention, but half the time he forgets or isn't looking. It killed me that he would say that without me prompting him and especially on the night when I couldn't see him at all. Parade was awful. I was so stressed out I was trying not to cry on parade route. The combination of being upset, and not being able to see as well as being by myself and trying to play to BOTH sides of parade when people were yelling at me was almost too much. It was all I could do to keep smiling and look like I was having fun. Horrible. Walked back to the tunnels, and Tim caught up with me towards the end. Again, it was such a struggle not to touch him, talk to him. I hate this. Deprepped in Cosmo, then changed and clocked out. Got in line for the bus with Aaron, who happened to be right in front of Tim, so when we got on the bus Tim sat down right next to me. He didn't say anything, just closed his eyes, though a couple times it seemed like he was leaning into me a little more than the motion of the bus could account for. I talked to Aaron, and then when I got off the bus I didn't even look back. I was hoping that Tim would follow me, try to talk to me now that we were away from other people. He didn't. I got to my car, alone, and began to pull out. When I looked over my shoulder, I saw Tim's car go by. Don't ask me how I knew it was his car and not someone else's, I just did. I couldn't hold back the tears any more. This had been a horrible, stressful, emotional day, and I just couldn't take it any more. Got home, washed my face, and grabbed a beer. Got on Facebook right before I took off my makeup and posted, "Every moment that passes by I die a little more inside....why can't you see that you're killing me?" I was hoping that he would see it. Not five minutes later, he changes his status too: "Today was amazing, adrenaline filled, heart pumping amazingness action filled with nahhhhh gettting you know what... tonight however.. kind of heartbreaking..." I KNOW it was about me, I KNOW it was. And he still didn't text me. All night. Watched an episode of the Clone Wars and cried myself to sleep. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I wanted him to understand how I felt when he didn't care about me, but at least he was never cruel. I don't even know that I'm doing the right thing anymore. This is KILLING me. I feel like my heart has turned to ashes, and my stomach has dropped to my feet. I told myself I would wait until he wanted to talk to me, but how long is that going to take?? We're both at Castle Show on Friday and we were supposed to go see Oceans afterwards. How am I going to be aloof and cool towards him when I have to be with him all day?? When all I want is to curl up next to him and hold him tight?? Why does this have to hurt so much???

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