Golden Bear (eithne_star) wrote,
Golden Bear

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Going through the motions

I'm in such a daze right now. It seems like everything is too real, and yet not real enough. I'm trying to go on with my life, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
Tim and I broke up on the 1st. I don't remember right now if I posted about it, but a few weeks early I had confronted him about the way he was treating me, and I told him I thought the reason for his behavior was that he wasn't ACTUALLY in love with me; he wanted to be, he thought he should be, but he wasn't. Because really, who treats someone they love as though they're no more important than everyone else?? ....sometimes I really HATE being right. He told me he'd thought about it, and that yeah, that was the problem. He wasn't sure if he was really in love with me. Then again, he also said he wasn't sure that I was totally right. I told him I'd never wanted to be wrong so badly in my entire life. This is so hard to write about, even 2 weeks later. I'm sitting here typing and my hands are shaking and my eyes are welling up.
We didn't talk for about four days. We broke up on a Saturday; that following Wednesday was my night at Fantasmic!. It was the first time I'd been there in a year, and before all of this went down Tim had said that he would come watch. Well, I got done and walked out into the house....and no one was there. I didn't see Luke either, though he'd said he would come too. Luke texted me a little later; he'd forgotten his phone, so he raced home to get it so he could text me. He didn't stay because he didn't know where to meet me. I was glad Luke came....and even though Tim and I aren't together, I had been hoping that he would be there. Couple hours later, I'm on Facebook and get a message from Tim, saying "ps. I liked the monkeys tonight." He came. He didn't stay, but he came. I don't understand; how can you not be in love with me when you do something like that just because you know it meant so much to me?? I'm so....I don't even know.
Tim and I worked together on Friday at Castle Show. We didn't really talk a whole lot, and it broke my heart. He did give me a rather fierce hug while I was talking to one of the other guys up there. I asked him to walk out with me; I'd gotten all the stuff together that he'd left at my house, and I wanted to give it back to him. Okay, I DIDN'T want to give it back to him, but I thought I should. We walked out together, I gave him the bag of stuff, we talked for a few more minutes...and then we left. On my way home, I texted him. I said that the only thing I wanted was to be was with him. He said he wanted the same thing. I know it wasn't a good idea...but I went over to his house. BAD IDEA, I know. But I couldn't help it. I don't care if it's not good, I just want to be with him. Stayed for a few hours, then left. I know. It just made things more complicated. I'm so confused. He wants to be with me...but he's not sure he wants to be with me?? I know we're still attracted to each other. I know he cares about me; there was never any doubt about that. I just....what do I do? I can't keep waiting for him to make up his mind forever. I refuse to just keep sleeping with him in the hopes that that will help him decide; that won't do anything but delay any kind of resolution. All I know, is that when I think about him, I smile. When I think about NOT being with him, I cry. When I see him, I want to hold him so tightly, and never let him go. I want to make him happy, however I can. I just want him back.
So there's all this going on in my head and my heart, and at the same time I'm going through rehearsals for Star Wars Weekends. My character is in just about everything possible this year, and that means rehearsals every day, including overnights. Yesterday I worked 22 hours in a 26 hour period. We had a four hour break in between. And 12 of those hours were in full costume and makeup. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed out. I'm mentally fried, and my heart is broken. What a great place to be.

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