November 19th, 2004


Inferiority Complex

I have decided that this is my problem. Every other issue that I've had (aside from virus or bacteria related) stems from this problem. Because no matter what people tell me, no matter how hard I try, I still think that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and sometimes, I'm not even sure that people like me. It's a horrible feeling, and I hate it, I hate it, but I can't get rid of it. Even taking my medicine every day doesn't seem to help. I woke up crying the other morning, just because that's how much I don't like myself right now. I avoid looking in the mirror--which in my house is pretty hard to do--because all it does is reaffirm how ugly I am. I'm at the point where I hate everything about myself--from stupid things like my clothes and my hair color, to the important things, like the way talk and sometimes even the way I dance. It's like all I can feel is disappointment and despair. I can't even be happy about getting cast in a play. I feel nothing, and I feel like nothing. It's a physical effort to get out of bed, and even when I do, I come home and go back to sleep. And even in my dreams I'm inadequate. I walked by a graveyard the other day, and I found myself thinking how nice it must be to just lie down and sleep. Ugly and stupid, ugly and stupid, that's the litany that keeps repeating through my mind. Is it possible to be so sad you can't even cry? I thought the medicine was supposed to be helping, but it's not. All I ever wanted was someone to recognize that I had talent, someone to love me, and beautiful skin. That's not so much to ask, is it? For nearly 15 years I've hated the way I look. I always seemed to be too much of something, or not enough. I've always been inferior. I wonder what other people think of me sometimes, what they see when they look at me, talk to me. What do I sound like, look like? I don't even think I'd like to be friends with me. It doesn't matter any more. Nothing matters any more.

Please don't respond. It wouldn't make a difference anyway.
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