April 5th, 2007


And we're back to where we started...

Once again, I'm unhappy about my body. I know, I know. You've said it all before. "Carlye, you're beautiful, other women would KILL to look the way you do." I know this, really, I do. But, I'm a perfectionist, and as such, it extends to all areas of my life. Including physical appearance.

I've gotten better. Really. My skin has cleared up significantly and that has helped improve my self-esteem to no end. Especially, you know, since I make my money on how I look. And granted, I have days--more and more frequently, at least when I'm not at work--when I can look in the mirror and say, "Damn, girl, you are HOT!" But. I'm not content.

There's a part of me that thinks I should look a certain way. And no, I'm not even talking about my weight, which is FINE, thank you very much. I look pretty good--at least in clothes. Its those stupid insecurities that rear their ugly little heads when I step out of the shower or go to an audition. That nagging little voice that says, "You know, I bet if you looked better, people would notice you more." Aaaggh! Stupid voice, GO AWAY!!!

And the REALLY stupid part? I could probably fix all of this if I just put my mind to it. I could fix my abs by exercising more. I could tone my thighs if I went back to dance class. I might even have more energy if I actually got off my butt after work and went and DID something. But, I don't. I don't know why. It's not like it's that big of an effort. I could probably even talk one of my roommates into doing it with me. But instead, I sit here, frustrated and insecure, and do nothing. I know that regulating what I eat, while a good idea, is NOT going to make that excess flab magically go away by itself. Even losing weight (which, again, I do NOT need to do) isn't going to work. So why is it so hard for me to stick to a regime that I know will do something?

*sigh* Just bitching because I can.

Oh, YEAH, I forgot!!

I didn't tell you guys how my singing went!!

Awesome, of course. Did you expect any less?

So, got ready to sing for the baseball game. I had the day off, so I had plenty of time to primp and prettify. Straightened my hair, applied my makeup and got dressed and my roomie Anne Marie and I headed off to Disney's Wide World of Sports. Got there WAY early (I wanted to leave plenty of time for traffic) and just chilled for about an hour.

Met up with the coordinators and got instructions (follow us to the field, by the way, there's pyro, so don't freak out) and after a quick snack headed down to the field.

By the way, some of the Braves players are CUTE! When did that happen?

Anyway, waited for the grounds crew to finish prepping the field, met the Braves manager, Bobby Cox, who was very nice, and then it was time to sing!!

Couple thousand people, no big deal. (HA! RIGHT.)

I sang a little slower than I would have liked--I was nervous about the echo and I couldn't hear myself well enough to ignore it, but other than that, it went perfectly. I could hear myself and as far as I can tell I sounded pretty awesome. Everyone said I did a great job, they asked me to come back and audition again next year, and Anne Marie got some photos and even a video on my digital camera. I haven't even looked at it yet, but I hope it turned out well.

In other news, that same week, I went to my callback for Ariel in the Voyage of the Little Mermaid stage show at the Disney/MGM Studios. It also went really well; I sang for the auditor a couple of times, he said I did a great job, and I will HOPEFULLY hear something back from them in the next couple of weeks. It's an Equity job, which means more pay, but I'm hoping to just get asked to be an Equity sub; that way, I won't have to give up doing characters in the parks (contractual agreement thingies.)

Well, that's about it for now. I should really update more often, you know?
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