January 28th, 2010

Love as Mystery

Remember this about love...

When you love someone, you do not love them all the time in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency.
— Anne Morrow Lindbergh
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Quasi day off today. Finally got around to taking out the mountain of trash (not garbage, just trash from Christmas presents) and vacuuming my room. Cleared some stuff off the floor too, and it's amazing how much better it looks. Mailed Siobhan's books to her finally; I bought them like 3 months ago when she left for her cancer treatment and I'm JUST now getting them sent out...procrastinator? Who, me? Took some stuff back to American Eagle, then bought stuff to replace it--hey, for $18 bucks I got twice as much stuff as I walked in there with, so I'd say that's a pretty good deal.
My sixth day at work, but all I had was SpectroMagic, where I got to tag along with Grumpy. Yeah, he wasn't too happy about it either, especially when Grant's friend Peter Pan scared him and he eeped like a little girl!! Oh well.. Love love love hanging out with Grant; he's my son, and I'm going to miss him SOOOOO much when he goes to Tokyo in a few weeks!!! I'm so proud and excited for him!!! He's one of the few people I can talk to about my frustrations with Tim because he is/has been in the same boat with his boyfriend. I loves that boy....
Trying NOT to be frustrated with Tim. Haven't really talked that much today, but he's been working and not at the same place at the same time that I was. Trying to keep in mind the quote I posted last night about love; I need to just relax, and accept things as they come, and remember that not only do I love him for the person that he CAN be, I must love him for the person that he IS. I'm not trying to change him; I just want to understand him. TRYING to be patient and understanding...but haven't I been patient and understanding enough for the last 2 years?? When do you finally say enough?? *sigh* Nobody said being in love was easy, but I didn't know it was going to be this tough...
Home. Kicking it on the computer. I'm kinda looking for a new one (computer, that is) but not sure what kind I need. Should really get started on my email to Casting. Earl said he would proofread it for me, so I should get it to him as soon as I can. Though I'm pretty much resigned to this training session being a wash, which is dissappointing, because Waldy, Adam and Luke are ALL learning it together, and I was supposed to work with Bryce. Still severely disappointed. *sigh* Getting on that right now. Castle show in the morning; hope John shows up!
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