Golden Bear (eithne_star) wrote,
Golden Bear

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It's Defective

Everything in my life is simply going wrong. Today, I hung out with Stephen. All day. We ran errands and went and saw The Terminal. He leaves for Greece on Thursday. Today was the last time I'll see him until August 4th, six weeks from now. It was a lot of fun until the drive home, when I realized that. Something tells we we're not going to get back together. Right before he left I kissed him. I hadn't kissed him in over a month, and I figured I wasn't going to get another chance. I was okay until then. Then, as he pulled away, I started crying. I want him back. I was trying to talk myself out of it, tell myself I was just attached because I hadn't been single in a really long time, but that's not it. I'm in love with him, and yeah, maybe he's not the one, but I don't care. I mean, what did I do wrong? This summer was all planned out. I was going to take classes so I could get ahead in school, spend time with my boyfriend since we'd finally be in the same state, have two full time jobs so I could make lots of money and pay back my parents, and hang out with my friends before I had to leave again. Well, none of that is working out. I'm not taking all the classes I was planning on, because you can only take nine hours in the summer, I now HAVE no boyfriend, one of my jobs fired me for some bullshit reason and the other isn't giving me any hours, and all my friends actually HAVE lives, which means they don't have spare time just to cater to me. I can't do Faire, the ONE thing that actually makes me happy and gives me a home, because I don't have the time or the money. My mom was trying to make me feel better, saying it just wasn't my time, but it's NEVER my time! Not for relationships, not for jobs, not for acting or singing or dancing or ANYTHING! Every time I've really wanted something I've been overlooked. I admit it. I messed up a lot of things. I screwed over Mike in our relationship, I screwed over Brooke with looking after the cats, and I probably made a lot of other people mad or hurt that I don't even know about. And I'm sorry for all of those things that I did or didn't do. I'm just so tired of being in the background. I just wanted something for me. Something I could say "This is mine" and be proud of it. But who am I kidding? I can't even get Stamberger to notice me, let alone a professional director. I'm going to end up with a pretty piece of worthless paper with my name on it, in a dead-end job, living in a trailer for the rest of my life. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm tired of being cheerful and optimistic all the time. I'm tired of giving everything away and having nothing for myself. I'm tired of sacrificing something for somebody else. And I'll just keep on doing it because that's the kind of person that I am. I give, with no thought of return or recompense. I'm an empath, I help people. I can't say no, no matter how much it hurts. You know, this is the third time I've had my heart broken. I'm beginning to disbelieve in love. Not in general, just for me. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Maybe I'm supposed to be the one everyone leans on, because I'll be the one with no bias to my advice, such as it may be. Maybe I should be a nun. Do they have pagan nuns? Forget relationships. I don't need them. All they do is get you hurt and alone and betrayed. There is no angel to break my reverie.

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