It's not that I don't love what I do, because that's not the reason at all. I just feel like I'm forcing myself through something that used to be enjoyable and is now simply a chore. I'm just not motivated enough to make myself go through audition after audition in the hopes that I MIGHT be what some director is looking for. I don't have a Type A personality; I never have. Somehow, trying out for every little opportunity just seems like too much of a hassle.
So maybe I'm lazy; I'll be honest, it's entirely possible. I'm also a definite procrastinator. And I know for a fact that I look at the world a lot differently than most folk.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing. I've been singing and dancing most of my life, with acting just a few years behind. And I'll probably continue doing so for the remainder of my days, in some incarnation or other. But is this really what I want to do for a career?
I'm not even sure if I'm any good. I'm not looking for compliments, or indulging in self-pity. I honestly can't tell. Even though I know I've made improvements, it feels like everytime I figure one thing out, there's three more I'm doing incorrectly. I know I'm passable fair. I've been told my dancing is of exceptional performance quality (when I feel comfortable enough in the choreography), my singing is more than surprising (which I'm not sure how to take) and I've even made one of my acting teachers like a monologue he hated, just because of the way I've portrayed it.
So I've got talent, yes. Training, that too. So why does the thought of making this my life's goal fill me with trepidation and frustrated tears?
Maybe I'm just burnt out. No, strike that, I KNOW I'm burnt out. I'm about thisfar from throwing in the towel and crawling back to KC--which is where I'd rather be anyway. I don't WANT to live in New York. I don't WANT to live in California. Or Minnesota, or Florida, or Colorado, or anywhere else. Yes, Kansas City is my comfort zone. And God knows my mother keeps telling me to move out of my comfort zone. But what if I don't want to? What if I'd LIKE to stay here, and get married, and start a family?
But I can't stop now. Not when I'm this close to graduating. Not when I've worked so hard, for so many years, and asked my parents to spend so much money on my education. Not yet. Not quite yet.
It's just....what do I want to do with my life?