I've gotten better. Really. My skin has cleared up significantly and that has helped improve my self-esteem to no end. Especially, you know, since I make my money on how I look. And granted, I have days--more and more frequently, at least when I'm not at work--when I can look in the mirror and say, "Damn, girl, you are HOT!" But. I'm not content.
There's a part of me that thinks I should look a certain way. And no, I'm not even talking about my weight, which is FINE, thank you very much. I look pretty good--at least in clothes. Its those stupid insecurities that rear their ugly little heads when I step out of the shower or go to an audition. That nagging little voice that says, "You know, I bet if you looked better, people would notice you more." Aaaggh! Stupid voice, GO AWAY!!!
And the REALLY stupid part? I could probably fix all of this if I just put my mind to it. I could fix my abs by exercising more. I could tone my thighs if I went back to dance class. I might even have more energy if I actually got off my butt after work and went and DID something. But, I don't. I don't know why. It's not like it's that big of an effort. I could probably even talk one of my roommates into doing it with me. But instead, I sit here, frustrated and insecure, and do nothing. I know that regulating what I eat, while a good idea, is NOT going to make that excess flab magically go away by itself. Even losing weight (which, again, I do NOT need to do) isn't going to work. So why is it so hard for me to stick to a regime that I know will do something?
*sigh* Just bitching because I can.