Golden Bear (eithne_star) wrote,
Golden Bear

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And we're back to where we started...

Once again, I'm unhappy about my body. I know, I know. You've said it all before. "Carlye, you're beautiful, other women would KILL to look the way you do." I know this, really, I do. But, I'm a perfectionist, and as such, it extends to all areas of my life. Including physical appearance.

I've gotten better. Really. My skin has cleared up significantly and that has helped improve my self-esteem to no end. Especially, you know, since I make my money on how I look. And granted, I have days--more and more frequently, at least when I'm not at work--when I can look in the mirror and say, "Damn, girl, you are HOT!" But. I'm not content.

There's a part of me that thinks I should look a certain way. And no, I'm not even talking about my weight, which is FINE, thank you very much. I look pretty good--at least in clothes. Its those stupid insecurities that rear their ugly little heads when I step out of the shower or go to an audition. That nagging little voice that says, "You know, I bet if you looked better, people would notice you more." Aaaggh! Stupid voice, GO AWAY!!!

And the REALLY stupid part? I could probably fix all of this if I just put my mind to it. I could fix my abs by exercising more. I could tone my thighs if I went back to dance class. I might even have more energy if I actually got off my butt after work and went and DID something. But, I don't. I don't know why. It's not like it's that big of an effort. I could probably even talk one of my roommates into doing it with me. But instead, I sit here, frustrated and insecure, and do nothing. I know that regulating what I eat, while a good idea, is NOT going to make that excess flab magically go away by itself. Even losing weight (which, again, I do NOT need to do) isn't going to work. So why is it so hard for me to stick to a regime that I know will do something?

*sigh* Just bitching because I can.
Tags: bitching

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